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Mother fucker I’m back.
Fuck all of you, fuck you andy, fuck the doubters at uni, every mother fucker who’s ever doubted me.

My ego is finally fucking back, I can feel it!!
It clicked and fuck me does it feel good

I can’t wait till tomorrow to start working, shit its already 6:16am I haven’t slept, so hyped up to start and prove everyone wrong. This is exactly how I felt a few months ago back in October. Yano what, I’ve got a new mentality to life too, thank you Miss Elkins, I aint gonna let shit get to me. Fuck it, block it out.

Fuck me over? fine go, fuck yourself.
This is the exact same as I felt when I was m e n t a l l y strong all those years back. Counselling has made me weak as fuck. Made me in many many ways stronger thats for sure but god damn did it make me weak too. I would never ever crack under pressure when I was younger, fucking hell I wasnt even upset when my parents got divorced when I was 10 which is kinda fucked up actually. Yet the smallest thing now will set me off.
fuck emotions, i was never emotional before, ive been a wreck the past month over what? Work and Paris? Really? R E A L L Y  Pull yourself together man, you’re a fucking embarrassment you cunt.

Think I’m having a mental breakdown, never had this before

Everything I’ve ever worked for is crumbling right in front of me and I just cant stop the bleeding, I’ve all but given up hope, I just can’t stop screwing up. I’m questioning myself if I actually want to do this anymore…. I can’t stand to see myself get a shit mark at this year and ruin my career before it’s started. 

I would rather quit during the christmas holidays than be “that” guy who had talent and buckets of potential and yet mess up and underachieve. There is always that one person, I think for my class of 90, thats me…..

Without this though I might as well just die, there is no point in my existence. I’m good for nothing and an underachiever. A person who was always projected to reach the hight of my craft yet fall desperately short for the past number of years.

I stare at myself in the mirror and haven’t gotten a clue who I am anymore. I was a fighter, I would never give up on anything but I just feel like a broken shell of a person I once was. How could I have come to this, to fall so badly. The year started so well, I actually hit my potential, second best mark out of 90 people in my class, since then I have started falling into despair. I always always do this, I always fuck up.

No matter what I do I can’t help it. All of my successful friendships, any persons who has ever shown an interest in me, my craft, my ex. It’s sick. Do I like to be like this? Is that it? Do I have a sick pleasure in seeing this relationships among other things burn to the ground? Most of the time when it happens I don’t even see it coming or I have the best intentions yet somehow hours later they walk away from me.


I’ve had enough of being me.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this…..
I don’t think I can take this too much longer. I feel it’s time I have a real look at myself in the mirror and decide whether I carry on doing this or have a real think and see if I can go through with it and do what I should have done when I was sixteen.

though I must admit I didm’t want to wake up because of it….